Top Wits

Top wits: all men and mainly dead
The top ten places in the poll all went to men


It is not often that Liam Gallagher and Jeremy Clarkson appear in a list with Noël Coward and Shakespeare. But according to a new survey they are among Britain’s wittiest individuals.

The top ten places in the poll all went to men. The highest-ranking woman was Baroness Thatcher, at number 12, who once remarked: “Being powerful is like being a lady - if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”

The top spot went to Oscar Wilde, who once claimed that “to disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity”. He was not known for his modesty and, for once, would probably have been happy to agree with the verdict of all 3,000 people surveyed for the digital television channel Dave TV.

Few would argue that the Dublin-born playwright, who spent much of his life in England, was the master of the clever quip. Even on his deathbed in 1900, he is alleged to have said: “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go.”

Spike Milligan, the Goon Show creator who took second place in the poll, delivered his final witty one-liner from beyond the grave. He died in 2002 after specifying that his tombstone should carry the line: “I told you I was ill”.

Stephen Fry, in third place, is the highest-placed wit who has not yet met his maker. He played Wilde in the 1997 film of that name and once quoted him when passing through customs at an airport, announcing: “I have nothing to declare but my genius.”

The comedian, actor and quiz-show host, once said that animal testing was cruel because “they get nervous and get all the answers wrong”.

Jeremy Clarkson, the Top Gear presenter and newspaper columnist, is a more surprising entry at number four.

His caustic comments have earned him a fan-base beyond those who care about the vehicles he reviews. He is not noted for his eco-friendliness and once said: “We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel.”

In the world of sport, it was a late football manager who topped the league. Years before José Mourinho lauded himself as “the Special One”, Brian Clough - who won two consecutive European Cups with Nottingham Forest - declared: “I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one.”

“Cloughie” came in ninth place in the overall list, just behind Shakespeare and one position ahead of the Oasis singer Liam Gallagher.

Those surveyed showed more appreciation for the wit of former politicians than the comedic efforts of either Gordon Brown or David Cameron.

Sir Winston Churchill came in fifth thanks to his penchant for putdowns. When accused by the Labour MP Bessie Braddock of being drunk, for example, he is alleged to have replied: “Bessie, you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.”

Boris Johnson, the foot-in-mouth-prone Conservative candidate for the mayoralty of London, was the next-highest politician in the list. He managed 13th place. He once said: “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.” Jane Austen was the second-placed female at 15th. In her novel Persuasion she described one character as “a man who had nothing but himself to recommend him”. Nonetheless, 57 per cent of those surveyed thought women were less witty.

However, any men tempted to dust off their one-liners should perhaps take heed of Noël Coward, who was ranked seventh. He once noted: “Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.”


I say, I say, I say

1 Oscar Wilde “Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast”

2 Spike Milligan “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy”

3 Stephen Fry “An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them”

4 Jeremy Clarkson “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary . . . that’s what gets you”

5 Sir Winston Churchill “A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen”

6 Paul Merton “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. If they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

7 Noel Coward “People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what’s wrong with it.”

8 Shakespeare “Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything”

9 Brian Clough “The River Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years”

10 Liam Gallagher “She [Victoria Beckham] cannot even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.”